As a women’s publication, we’re often told to lay off politics and stick to hair and makeup.
Luckily Rudy Giuliani, President Trump’s personal lawyer, made style headlines this Thursday for both.
Literally, head lines—lines of what looked like bog water ran down the side of his head during a press conference in which he inaccurately claimed that the 2020 presidential election featured “massive fraud.”
We would be remiss in our duties if we did not cover this major hair news, even at the risk of reporting the news that the president’s lawyers keep lying to the American people in an attempt to steal the election. Beauty is a non-partisan issue: we believe that every American has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of a good setting spray. (Free and fair elections should actually also a non-partisan issue.)
In footage above, you can see the precise second president’s lawyer’s body began what looks like a purge. Sweating profusely as he continued to claim that Joe Biden’s presidential victory is the result of fraud—he offered zero evidence to back up the claims, which have been debunked—Giuliani experienced a truly historic hair malfunction.
What starts as a worrying dot of pigment becomes a puddle, and then a rivulet, then begins to look, undeniably, like the basin of an overflowing toilet. Guliani’s hairline seems like the only instance in which the president has made good on his longtime promise to “drain the swamp.”
Seeping bodily fluids while attempting to undermine American democracy on behalf of the president does tend to capture public attention. The New York Times ran an article simply titled, “Rudy Giuliani’s Hair: What Is Happening.” BuzzFeed published 16 photos of Giuliani sweating. Even members of Trump’s own team were caught gossiping about Giuliani’s mulch-colored sweat. In a move that will likely stump future historians hoping to keep their writing serious, at the same moment Giuliani’s head began to liquify, he also performed an impression of a scene from the movie My Cousin Vinny.
Hair experts consulted by the New York Times disagreed on whether the fat drops of bilge sprinting down Giuliani’s face were the result of a bad dye job, a root touchup product like a mascara or a touchup spray, or something else. The International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees took the opportunity to note, in a tweet, “Here’s why you should hire union hair and makeup professionals.” The rest of Twitter was equally vocal about the former mayor’s beauty routine:
Anyone who has ever made the mistake of applying contour in a dimly lit room knows something about the horror Giuliani is now experiencing. Using personal care products to change one’s appearance is an art with which so many of us have struggled. And yet, as much as we may empathize with his styling woes, we must remember that, generally, we have very little in common with Rudy Giuliani.
Reportedly, the lawyer is being paid $20,000 a day for the work he is doing for the president. If you, in your regular person job, are managing to both not decompose in public and not stage a poorly planned coup, please stop worrying how you look on your zoom calls. You’re better than Rudy Giuliani inside and out, and at the end of the day, that’s what matters.
Jenny Singer is a staff writer for Glamour. You can follow her on Twitter.