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Destiny’s Child actually had it wrong. Ladies of Vanderpump Rules, do NOT leave your man at home because they will def go out to bars, get blackout drunk and cheat on you. That is basically the lesson learned from tonight’s (and every) episode of Rules.
So we pick back up with Katie learning about Schwartz’s blackout indiscretion in Santa Monica. Because everything on this show needs to be done in group settings (Rules is like the “Leave no man behind” of reality shows), Katie decides to confront Schwartz with all their friends in their living room…while sipping on a neon bendy straw. Schwartz, though, doesn’t really have any answers because he can’t remember anything. Soooo we’re kind of at a stalemate. On the plus side, Jax bought a cooler that is also a motorized scooter.
Lala is officially back in the employ of Sur but can’t remember how the hostess stand computer works. So there’s gonna be some upset tourists from Nebraska hoping for a nice view of the bar and fried goat cheese balls.
Meanwhile, Jax and Brittany reveal that not only are they not breaking up but also they are hosting a housewarming party for their new apartment. Um Tim no understand.
Katie decides to take Lala’s first day back as an opportunity to talk drama, specifically Schwartz’s make-out. Lala tells her that not only did Tom make out with her friend but kept calling the rando girl “Bubba,” which we all know is their weird pet name and inspiration for bad wall art. Schwartz even has it tattooed on his butt.
Then, there’s a truly weird scene where the two Toms and Jax go back to the painting studio from a couple seasons ago and decide to each do a portrait of each other. Well, first they all paint penises on their smocks because they’re mature, over-30-year-olds. Then, they paint surprisingly good portraits of each other. Well, except for Jax. His portrait of Sandoval is just a lotta colored stripes. Maybe that’s what it’s like to be in Jax’s head? Just a lotta stripes and strawberry martinis.
While they’re painting, Katie, Brittany, and Kristen go and have drinks and gossip. So it turns out there’s another infidelity rumor creeping around: Scheana’s boyfriend, Rob, apparently kissed some gal at a different WeHo restaurant. This encounter was seen by someone named “Jen Bush” who also apparently works at Sur. I’m not sure why Jen requires a last nam